You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
