i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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