Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
