He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
