Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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