I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
