I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know her cup size but not her name....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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