Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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