if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
