I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
