you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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