I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
