I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
