guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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