I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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