just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just gift wrapped bread.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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