I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
