he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
