he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
