you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
