I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize