I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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