like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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