Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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