I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize