the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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