Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
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