my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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