when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
