I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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