She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
