Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
