my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
