my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
