I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
