he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
