Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize