once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
two words: eviction party
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize