I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
