I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
