First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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