This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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