need another drink. this is the easiest way
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
