just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
last night I used snow as a chaser
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
