you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
