this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
