i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
