I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
