don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
