dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
