You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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