remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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