I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
