Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
