My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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