Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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