just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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