Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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