I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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