On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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