if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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