just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize